One Single Step Created My Amazing Journey
How I no longer have to fight not to drink.
My family moved again. I had been to countless different schools at this point. This time my family moved me to a new school in a small town a few months after my first year in high school just started. Yep, not that being a freshman in high school was scary enough, I was the new girl after everyone already got acquainted. I had to get adjusted to high school and then readjusted to high school and a new school with new students. I was 13.
At this point it was hard for me to decipher who would be my people. I had grown up always wanting to do the right thing. I didn’t care that I didn’t fit in because I would rather not do the things the “cool kids” were doing and just do me and follow my faith. But, here it was different. I was tired of moving and having to make new friends. As you get older kids seem to get more malevolent, and I was tired of being picked on for my “good girl” persona. I started getting asked to parties by different groups of people. The “cool girls” wanted me to hang out. I noticed that a lot of the kids were drinking, and I thought that was a little crazy. I had heard that students my age back at my school in the city were into drugs and alcohol and sex, but I never actually was a part of the scene to experience it.
Growing up I had watched my dad get hammered drunk more times than not when he was home. I had also seen both my parents drinking too much with friends and not making good decisions more times than I would have liked. I was born in Vegas and my mom jokes that I was born with a cuba libre in one hand and a poker chip in the other, (I have actually never gambled, though). I always said I would not drink because I had seen what it did to them and how it affected the decisions that they made. But again, this move was different.
I don’t remember the first night that I drank, but I do remember that after I drank I realized all the anxiety I had always felt when I was around a lot of people went away. I realized I could be more sociable when I drank, and I didn’t care as much about what was going on. Fast forward several years I have come to the realization that I deal with quite a bit of anxiety and depression and that I get overstimulated easily. Looking back as a child I realize that I took on a lot of worries that probably not most kids take on, and I was sad a lot. These things were never addressed as an issue to be dealt with by acting on to repair, but rather that there was something wrong with me. I struggled a lot with these emotions and drinking at the time helped alleviate those struggle…so I thought.
I was 14 when I started drinking and I spent several years drinking way too much. I have made several bad decisions because of alcohol, and I have even had run ins with the law. You would think that by growing up always wanting to do the right thing this would have deterred me. It continued. I was forced to go to an outpatient rehab at the end of my sophomore year of high school. Needless to say, that did not help. I noticed when I went the kids that were also there were all smokers, and even one girl had told me she was now addicted to sex. This was very uncomfortable for me.
My Jr year of high school I met my “first love”. I spent a lot of time with him, and I even moved in with him. I thought I had learned how to drink without getting into trouble or get out of control. I had just learned to get black out drunk without anyone noticing. This went on several years and then I met the man I would have kids with and eventually marry. I enjoyed having a family of my own. I felt like I was a true adult with a family being a responsible drinker. Even though I only allowed myself to get drunk after my kids fell asleep I was still getting drunk. (Note: I did not drink while I was pregnant.)
After our son was born I noticed that drinking didn’t feel the same. It was no longer temporarily relieving my anxiety. In fact my anxiety levels had increased. I would lie awake almost every night listening closely to the baby monitor to make sure he was breathing. On top of that my heart would pound and I would sweat due to the alcohol. I would wake up and feel horrible. Almost like I was having out of body experiences all the time. I remember one morning I woke up and felt so anxiety ridden, hung over, heart was pounding that I felt like I could not take care of my son. I had to take him to my dad to watch while I laid in bed and waited for the fears to go away. At this point I knew something wasn’t right, but this was what I was used to by now.
This went on for about another year and then I decided to put an effort into quitting. I felt like I was doing good. I was only drinking now about every four days, woohoo! I even got back to the gym and started to lose the baby weight and the alcohol weight. Then, I got pregnant with our daughter and things really started to change.
A month before my daughter was born I had started my journey to “getting better”. I had realized something was not right internally and I needed to take care of it. I was tired of feeling horrible and losing out on days and precious moments with my son. My then husband and father of my kids received a discount from his employer to an acupuncturist. I had done some research and decided why not try it. By this point I was tired of going on and off anxiety/depression medication (which I had to myself go to the doctor at 17 to get prescribed due to my symptoms). Every time I went to the doctor to let him know the medication was no longer working he would prescribe me more. I would ask when can I stop taking these and I would get the same answer of “we’ll keep you on them and then wean you off eventually”. That never happened. (Please note, that I am not a medical doctor and if you are suffering from symptoms of depression and anxiety you should see a medical doctor.) After a few visits to the acupuncturist I had started sleeping better, and my anxiety levels had decreased significantly. At this point I had also gotten hooked up with some ladies from church who sold Essential Oils, which in fact were working well.
I had just started this journey to recovering myself, but I was pregnant. My body was focused on growing a baby, not repairing. After my daughter was born I quickly got back to drinking. At this point, though, my drinking had significantly decreased. I was hitting the gym more and more, and I was really getting into the essential oils. I had stopped going to the acupuncturist due to time and money, but I was starting to feel so much better. I was still doing research now that I started realizing that maybe healing our bodies naturally was the way to go. We found a good chiropractor in the area who changed my life.
At this point I was nervous because I felt my brain was not working like it should. I was still having feelings of out of body experiences. I was at times unable to hold intelligent conversations, and I would say things that people normally wouldn’t say. I had a meeting scheduled with a neurologist around the same time as the chiropractor. I decided to give the chiropractor a chance before I went through all the testing that the neurologist suggested. It was amazing how quickly I started to feel better. My then husband was going as well, and he even quit smoking, something he was unable to accomplish after so many years. Now I am really starting to get going with taking a more holistic approach to taking care of myself and repairing my body. Then, things got bad between my then husband and me. I had to leave him.
We went through a long ugly divorce. My depression was worse than I ever remember it being. I had two little ones to take care of, mostly on my own at this point. I went from being a stay-at-home mom for six years to going in to the working world. The cravings that I continued to have since I started drinking alcohol increased severely. I thought about drinking every day, seemed like every minute. During the times that I did not have the kids I found myself now able to go through a bottle of tequila, 2–3 bottles of wine. My body started bloating up after drinking. My face would feel swollen. It would take me days to recover. I would quit, only to start again. I didn’t like who I was when I drank. I didn’t make good decisions when I drank. I was supposed to be the one taking care of my kids, and I was having a hard time taking care of myself. I would cry and get angry that I was unable to accomplish not drinking. Why would I go back when I knew what it did to me!
I searched and searched for answers. I tried this, I tried that. I knew AA or rehab were not the answer since I had tried those before. Then one night I came across Fit-Recovery. I immediately bought the book. By this point I was dedicated. I had even gone over 20 days without drinking, that was incredible for me. I was feeling better. I was making strides to do better and to be better. However, I would take two steps forward and then I would drink again and felt I was taking three steps back. I knew that I had so many goals and dreams that I could accomplish if I had just quit drinking! I had to do this for my kids. Never have I ever wanted something so bad. I needed to quit for my kids. They deserve so much more. So, why couldn’t I? Why I could I only get to the 20-day mark only to fall short. You would think that when your why is something so important to you that your accomplishment should come easy. That’s not the case. It just means that you can go the extra mile to accomplish your goal, and I was willing. This wasn’t easy. To someone who can just have half a drink, or one drink may not fully understand the chains that alcohol can have on you. I was a slave.
I was already starting to implement the nutrient repair and recovery process Chris speaks about in Fit-Recovery, and I could tell that it was starting to make me feel better. I decided to buy into the fit-recovery 2.0 and really start taking the recommended supplements and hitting the gym more. Man, this was a turning point. I also started asking others who have immersed their lives into holistic healing about other supplements and vitamins that would help. I found out things like that I was suffering from adrenal fatigue, which made sense with all of the stress I have been living with for so long. I started taking Adrenal Health which included ingredients like Rhodiola root extract and Holy Basil leaf,
My goal was to be disgusted by alcohol. When I first started fit recovery 2.0 I had just watched a video that Chris had made, and he made the comment that to him drinking alcohol would be like drinking paint thinner. I am proud to say I may not be as disgusted to this extent by alcohol, but I have zero desire to drink it and I do get disgusted by the thought of it. I am so excited and happy to be on this journey of self-healing. Our bodies are so amazing, and it is miraculous to see how quickly it can repair. When we take care of our bodies, it takes care of us. I may not tell everyone my story, but whoever is suffering from being enslaved to alcohol I tell them that I was there too. I lead them to fit-recovery that has changed my life. I am now 31, and have a lot of experience in research, trial and error, and down-right disgust with myself to say that I am happy I have gone through everything that I have so that I too can help others going through the same thing, because I HAVE BEEN THERE.