Did the “Miracle Juice” seem as miraculous to our taste buds?
Kim Kardashian West allegedly loves it and uses it to treat her psoriasis. Goop calls it a “miracle juice” and advises to incorporate it into our daily routine. The media is buzzing and celery juice seems to have become the latest overnight sensation/food trend to take over America.
Psoriasis or not, we’re all here for better health. But even if a guy calling himself a medical medium and flaunting celebrity testimonials says celery juice brought his followers relief from a whole number of “acute and chronic illnesses,” for a lot of people, taking his advice of drinking 16 ounces of celery juice every morning on an empty stomach would come down to one factor: how does it taste?
As a lot of lifelong white people would, Graham Dunn and I jumped on the opportunity to try some. See our accounts and final thoughts below:
Graham’s review: “Green vomit”
Approaching the Pressed Juicery, I knew something was off right away: the place had a huge mural of Minnie Mouse splattered on the front window. “Disney: Pressed Juicery” it said.
Upon entering, finding our foreboding green sludge and ringing it up, I asked the young woman behind the counter what the sitch was with the big rodent. She told us it was a special promotion for Minnie Mouse’s 90th birthday. I asked whether Minnie Mouse liked pressed juice. She told me in the voice of someone not paid enough to answer such questions that yes, the cartoon mouse wife loves the stuff.
I, on the other hand, was not the discerning juice fanatic that the 90-year-old rat was. Upon first taste, I was in trouble.
I‘d barely opened the bottle when the smell hit. It smells like sewer water. After shaking and tasting, I found that it also tastes like a green sludge seems like it would: chunky, watery, stinky. Like taking a sip of melted candle whose scent is Despair. Yucky, milky, cold poo-water — the likes of which made me ashamed to be both a white person and a true fan of Minnie Mouse. But Maggie bought it for me so I drank it.
Maggie’s review: “Fails to captivate”
It was a cold Saturday afternoon. After minimal Google searching, I chose Pressed Juicery as a source for the allegedly magical green elixir. After wrapping up my shift, I hopped on the downtown 6 (where I ran into Graham!) and got off two stops later on Lafayette street.
As we were buying our two bottles, plus an orange turmeric vitamin C juice because they had a 3 for $15 weekend deal, Graham wouldn’t stop talking about a big Minnie Mouse poster displayed on the window.
We decided to head to Kimmel for the tasting. After arriving and settling down on the orange corner couch: me, under the NYU Florence poster and Graham, under the NYU Madrid one, we got to the moment of truth.
Shaking the bottle is necessary otherwise the pulpy stuff separates from the water and settles at the bottom half of the bottle. So we did, making sure all the rules were followed so nothing hindered the drink’s authentic taste to come forward.
We took a sip. Graham first and I second.
After our last attempt to break the white people stereotype and hate on pumpkin spiced lattes failed, we were determined to not love celery juice. I’m not sure how much of a role the psychology played in the outcome, or how much of it was smelling the stuff that reminded me overwhelmingly of cilantro beforehand but when I took that first sip, I almost spit it out.
It tasted exactly like what I expected something liquid and green to taste like. So bad. So blah. So meh. Maybe if we got it in a covered-up plastic container and drank it with a straw à la an iced coffee it would have been be better, but I’m not checking to see if that’s true.
Graham stuck it out — determined not to waste the money and to see if he potentially “got used” to the drink, he finished the ENTIRE bottle. So brave. I gave my 99% full bottle to Graham’s freshman roommate we ran into, Pedro.